THE PISCES GIRL

Ever heard the phrase “If you don’t want to be called a slut, don’t wear the uniform?” Well, I believe the same can go for guys, or more specifically, douchebags.

Some people say they have gaydar, but I have superpowers too….I have a very keen sense of douche-dar. As in, I can spot a douchebag coming from a mile away. Of course, they make it tremendously easy for me because they almost always insist on wearing the uniform.

And what is this uniform, you ask? Read on for a list of the closet staples of a douchebag.

1. Puka Shell ANYTHING

Seriously, some of my least favorite fashion accessories involve puka shells. They flatter no one and give off a ”I’m cooler than you cause I hang at the beach and here’s the shells to prove it” sort of vibe. Yeah? Well I hang at an office all day long, but you don’t see me wearing staples and paperclips.

Unless you’re an adolescent boy or hard-core surfer, its best to leave the puka at home, where they can be smashed…or burned appropriately.

2. Newsboy Caps

Is that a Newsboy Cap?! Ewwwwww!!!!, is usually what I think when I see someone walk in wearing this. I don’t really know why, I guess having the headlines yelled at me isn’t my thing.

Also, there is a certain sense of smugness the wearer gets once it’s been placed on his head, it’s like “heeeeeyyyyy, check me out…wearing my cap.”

Ughhhh, yes, despite our best efforts, we alllll see you.

I’m almost always expecting to have the shooter thrown at me immediately afterwards, double-barrel, if I’m lucky.

3. Tatoo-Style Button Down Shirts

It’s bad enough that we have tatoo t-shirts floating around, but now we’ve gotta make it all fancy by getting the button-down involved in this mess? Why??? What did the good ol’fashioned button-down ever do to anybody?

What’s worse is because it’s a button-down, douchebags now think it’s okay to wear these fashion offensives out to nice places, like a wedding or a fancy restaurant…or the workplace. No, No and No.

4. Thumb Rings

Every time I see a thumb ring, I cringe a little inside. I know this sounds weird, but they kind of gross me out. I just don’t think thumbs are that attractive and don’t really get the need to accessorize them. As far as rings are concerned, I think we can do better.

5. Choker Necklaces

Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of men’s necklaces. Period. While some can pull off a necklace better than others, no one can pull off the choker…NO ONE. Don’t care how you jazz it up: metal, leather, natural fibers or otherwise, if it falls too close to neck, you’re gonna look a little douchebaggy.

You’re talking and all I’m looking at is that piece of whatever squished against your adams apple. Not cute.

6. Loafers Without Socks

Okay, girls wear flats without socks all the time, so for the purposes of wearing shorts, I might let you off the hook for this one…but just barely.

If you’re wearing pants with this look, consider yourself a douchebag. For goodness sake, buy those little tiny baby socks and stop walking around with stinky feet. Someone is going to have to be around you when you take those loafers off. Thankfully, it won’t be me.

7. Overly Musky Cologne

For the record, I LOVE men’s cologne. Some scents are so damn sexy and manly, it just makes you want to snuggle up to whoever is wearing it. If you want that effect on women, try Herrera For Men, by Carolina Herrera…sexiest.cologne.ever.

If you’d like the opposite effect, by all means, douse yourself in musk and make all surrounding woman wonder what kind of stink you’re trying to cover up. Oh…and don’t be a double douchebag by spraying a little extra “down below.” (Yes, I’ve seen male friends do this.) It’s presumptious and frankly, who is going to be turned on by sweaty cologne-scented pubes?

8. Chick Hair Accessories

Some guys just loooovvvee the way their hair constantly falls in their eyes. They think it makes them look sexy, or mysterious or broody. Not to me it doesn’t. It makes me think you need a better haircut.

If you have the type of haircut that requires you to pull it back via a chick’s headband, hairclip or rainbow colored rubber band, take your self to a barber and run some scissors through that mess.

Don’t get me wrong, some men definitely know how to pull off the long hair, but it only looks nice when pulled back with a tasteful brown or black rubber band. Leave the jazzy hair accessories to the women.

9. Uber Trendy Sunglasses

White sunglasses anyone? Or better yet, those weird, totally useless Kanye shades with the slats going down the middle. This look says “hey I know what’s trendy because I still watch MTV.” Uh, yeah. Cool, bro.

10. Too Much Hair Product

There is not one woman I’ve met who has thought crispy or greasy hair is sexy. Not one.

So keep that in mind next time you’re running that fifth application of product through your hair. Shoot, after all that work, you might just be tempted to yell “DON’T TOUCH!” Don’t worry. We won’t.

Now, I know this list includes a lot of things that many guys, douchebage and non-douchebags alike, wear and that’s okay. Wearing one of these offenses on occasion is not the same thing as wearing a combination of them all the time. It’s the guy wearing the killer combo that sets my douche-dar into high alert mode. (I hope you’re taking notes, single girls.)

So the next time you see a guy walk in wearing a #3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 10 combo, RUN, GIRLS, RUN!!! And if you’re the guy wearing it, you’ve been put on radar…douche.

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